My rollercoaster road to pregnancy

Words by Abi Adesina | @fawmclothing | 

The scan didn’t show much at all, the Sonographer explained maybe it’s too early to see anything. I took their words for it and left the Hospital feel ok.  I remember that day perfectly, I was excited and had got round to the fact that in February 2016 I’d be a mum. I went shopping with my best friend but still kept it to myself.

Later that day, I received a call from the clinic and a Nurse informs me that I need to come back in as my bloods were showing a higher level of pregnancy than what was visible in the scan.  Not sure what to think, the next day we went in and they carried out another scan. This time it was a senior Midwife and Sonographer. They looked at each other for what felt like forever and there was a horrible wave of silence. “I’m so sorry Mr and Mrs Adesina but this is an ectopic pregnancy and it is no longer viable.”  Excuse me ECTOPIC what is that? Neither of us knew what this meant and the actual complications surrounding it. The Midwife went on to explain further, essentially the pregnancy did not implant in the right place and was instead growing in my left fallopian tube. This required urgent surgery and because of the high pregnancy hormone levels they would not be able to save my left fallopian tube.

What!!!! Wait, slow down! I thought why they can’t just move the pregnancy to the right place surely that was a possibility. They explained this was not possible that time was of the essence to prevent the fallopian tube reputing which is life threatening and that they needed me to sign some paperwork.  After taking all of this information in, I just sobbed and sobbed uncontrollably. Why me God why me? I’m a newlywed barely 6 weeks in now about to have a major surgery that will invariably impact my fertility chances for the rest of my life. My husband tried his best to keep it together for me but he too was broken and shocked. 2 days prior we were thinking of baby names and now we are signing papers of agreement to remove our baby. This was too much for any new couple to deal with. My mum was called because I just needed her there by my side. She arrived, shocked and devastated. All she ever wanted was the day that she would become a grandmother again after all it had been 13 years; now this glimmer of hope was gone. She tried to comfort us but truth be told we all needed comforting.

Having never been admitted to hospital, there I was going under general anaesthetic to have my reproduction tampered with and the termination of my baby it was beyond my comprehension. The last face I saw before going under was my husband who held me and said a short prayer. By this time my whole family had arrived to offer support. I didn’t want support I wanted someone to take me home and tell me it was just a dream but it wasn’t. I said a silent prayer and slept off. By the time I came round, I was surrounded by my husband, my mum and my sisters. They were just glad I was ok as was I but the reality of it all hadn’t fully sunk in given that they were unaware of my short lived pregnancy. When I was taken to the ward, I recall I just wept and wept so hard I couldn’t process the events of what took place I was just overcome with a sadness and a loss I’d never felt before. That night I didn’t sleep, instead I just listened to worship songs to encourage myself and it did to some degree. The power of worship is powerful, never underestimate it. It can take you from a really desperate situation and give you cause to lift your head up to face another day. I did wonder where God was in all of this pain.

The next day the doctors came round and explained the procedure that I underwent and that I would need approx. 6-8 weeks off work to recuperate. I don’t think one ever recuperates after a loss…..I guess they were referring to my physical healing from their medical perspective.

Time is a good healer and having a loving husband and supportive family and few friends really helped. We just had to get by, one day at a time. We didn’t tell many people as I didn’t want pity, I just wanted to move on. To the rest of the world we should have still been in our newlywed bubble, and that was what we did. In November 2015 I discovered that I was pregnant again. A part of me was so happy, but also extremely scared that something could go wrong. What are the odds I thought of this occurring again Lord? I was advised to visit the Early Pregnancy Unit where a scan and bloods were taken. I think I held my breath at this point, I’d been here before and we know how that ended up…….. The midwife that scanned me previously came again. She scanned me then left the room. She came back with another midwife who also scanned me all of this was making me anxious. Moments later they turn to me and say “I’m so sorry Mrs Adesina but it looks like you’ve had another ectopic but this time it’s even more serious as there’s fluid in your stomach and uterus. We need to operate now.”  I was angry someone was playing a sick joke, how could someone be so unlucky? A woman only has 2 fallopian tubes and I had already lost one and I intended on keeping this one. By the midwives grim faces I knew that they were worried. I called my husband and just wept. Then my mother rushed to the hospital and the same cruel scenario played out again. This time however, we opted to leave this hospital as we were in disbelief that such bad luck would be our portion.

That ride to St Thomas’s Hospital was one of the longest rides, as I lay on my mothers lap all I could think of is I’m going to be saying goodbye to baby number 2 and that life was not fair.  Where was Go​d in this I asked? I didnt want this cup.

Then upon arrival, I was immediately taken for another scan. I hoped that and I prayed that it was a mistake and that all will be well and in 9 months I’d meet my baby. This wasn’t to be. The results were that it was indeed an ectopic pregnancy but that they could not be sure of its exact location because by this time there was a litre of blood in my stomach. It had ruptured we were now in a life or death situation. We needed to go straight to surgery now ​By now I was in some degree of pain By now mum was inconsolable, seeing your mother break down like that was too much for me, I knew she felt helpless just as I did. The Doctor came round and I asked him what is the chance of this ectopic not being on the other side and on the same side as my first ectopic? He responded rather matter-of-fact stating that the possibility was like 1 in a million. I prayed God please let me be that one. I then said to him please try and save my right tube as best you can you see I have not had any children and I only got married 6 months ago. He looked at me and I’ve never forgotten his words “What would be the point of saving your tube if you don’t survive yourself, you need to be in surgery now”. Those words stung I’d never been spoken to about my life in such a way. I didn’t want to die of course but I also didn’t want to be infertile….. . So off I went to surgery. All I kept hearing my husband saying to the Doctors was “Please make sure my wife is ok. Please bring her back to me.”

I was met with a lovely Anaesthetist who tried to reassure me all would be well. I asked to speak to the Surgeon performing the operation. He came out to meet me I said to him “Please sir treat me as you would your own daughter you see I have just got married and not had any children of my own and I’ve already lost a tube please do your best for me” he said he would. I prayed and left everything to God.

Still groggy, I remember coming round and hearing “Abi we didn’t touch your right tube”. That was like God saying to me I’ve got you. Even when you feel forsaken He is working things out. I could not believe it but the joy I saw from my hubby and mum brought it back to home. The ectopic was a rare form (the one in a million kind the Doctor mentioned) known as a stump ectopic which was found on the same side left side where my tube had been removed. Thank you God for preserving my right fallopian tube, there was still hope for me to become a mother. That night I made a promise to God that if he saw me through and made me a mother that the testimony would be used to proclaim his name. This time round I recovered physically quite quickly but mentally I was broken, I was so unsure of myself. My marriage was struggling because my emotions were erratic. On one hand, I was scared to get pregnant so I was fearful of intimacy, but other months I’d literally want to get pregnant by any means necessary the paradox was mentally exhausting. I cried most days, sometimes to my husband others in my quiet space alone with God. I didn’t know how to grieve, but I was sad sadder than I’d ever been in my entire life. Anyway life went on we got through 2016. Poverbs 5:3 ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding’ was forever in the back of my mind throughout this whole journey. My husband kept encouraging me that God had not forgotten us and that He would be glorified through our situation. Did I believe him? Honestly I’m unsure but I really wanted him to be right…

So then in February 2017 I find out I’m pregnant again 3rd time lucky perhaps. This time I told no one. I didn’t want pity I just wanted to carry and hold my baby it was that simple. I eventually told my husband and we kept it to ourselves. Two days later I started bleeding. On the 1st March we went to EPU and was told that I was indeed pregnant but was miscarrying at 5 we​eks. Wow God I must really have done something unforgivable because I wouldn’t wish this fate on my worst enemy. By now, I was used to acting as if I was coping but I wasn’t I just found better ways to manage my pain. I found writing to my unborn babies helped me release some of that hurt. I used to say please tell God to send me a baby that actually wants to meet me.By this time I was now eligible for full fertility and loss investigations. All the tests were done and nothing major came out other than I had fibroids which I knew about. Results showed that I had an issue with my thyroid levels and that it could potentially cause loss but they weren’t sure. During this period, I prayed more about it I went to prayer seminars for women in waiting and carried on. I started to fast every 1st Wednesday with my sister and prayed with my prayer of 3 weekly about it. I left it to God and carried on. June 24th 2018 I was at a Church service and it was so powerful because all we did was worship and in that atmosphere, I heard the Lord say go into Boots after service and buy a digital test. Meanwhile I literally had been testing every month but still I obeyed. I was pregnant. Omg I was pregnant but this time it felt different. I told my husband and we prayed. I told only my mum because I needed her to pray too. I felt this could be it. But you know how the devil likes to bring to remembrance former things so I definitely was anxious. I had an appointment with the fertility department the week after so I waited until that appointment to confirm things. I was indeed pregnant. I asked what they could see and they said they could see the sac and the yolk something I’d never heard before. Then came the But. I’d been there before. The Consultant said that due to my history I should not be too excited as there is a small area of blood in my uterus. I don’t know where this came from but I literally rejected it on the spot and said the blood seen is the blood of Jesus protecting my baby. It wasn’t until my 8 week scan where we got to hear the heartbeat for the 1st time that it finally felt real.  This baby I must meet, and you know what 8 months later I did. We serve a living God, bigger than our disappointment and losses, He is indeed a God of miracles.

Josiah Samuel was born on 13th February 2019. Josiah which means God heals and Samuel because God hears were so fitting to my journey. My pregnancy was one I’ve been told was rare and envious to many. I did not experience major symptoms, I kept my shape it truly was a beautiful experience. Until one more fork in the road, my father suddenly passed away from cancer on the 6th of September 2018. Why, God Why? This was supposed to be the breakthrough that our family needed and I wanted to testify about. You see my father had also eagerly awaited the pitter patter of grandchildren. I was heartbroken he never got to hold his grandson that he had prayed so hard for. I was grateful though that he knew about my pregnancy, and I thank God for that as I told him 2 days before he died. So I feel some comfort that he went to heaven knowing he had a grandchild on the way. Imagine dealing with what’s supposed to be a happy time but having to also dealing with grief as well. My mind was all over the place – literally a rollercoaster. I went to Nigeria to bury my Dad, I owed him one last goodbye and I knew God would protect me and my baby and he did.

I needed a huge dose of faith to see me through. I prayed for a supernatural birth like that of the Hebrew women and you know what my birth story’ is a testament itself. I went from 1-10cm dilated in just under an hour. My established labour after I’d fully dilated lasted a mere 26 minutes. My midwife was in awe and said to my family and I “She’s a superwoman it’s women like you that should have babies!” Imagine hearing that after my 3 previous losses made me question if I would ever have my own child to being told I should have even more because I make it look easy. God truly is a restorer. I am so in awe of Him because he turned my mourning into dancing again. I could go on and on even about the birth but I will never ever doubt God again. If He could do it for me, He can do it for anyone. Delay does not mean denial. I promised the Lord on my hospital bed through the tears that if He did this for me I would not stay silent. I would testify and let people know how he turned my story around and gave me a new name. Be encouraged, God is not done with you…..