My hope does not belong in the outcome that I desire, my hope comes from the Creator.” My hope has a name and its name is Jesus.
Hope. What does that word mean to you? I’ve always hoped for things. Hope for past relationships to work out when they weren’t supposed too. Hoped for a good job when I wanted to move out of my home town. Hoped for a husband to love me the way Jesus does. Hoped for good Dr. appointments. Hope that my nanny kids would come to know Jesus. Hope for small things, like a raise or progress in my workout journey. Hope for big things like when my brother-in-law was sick or wanting a child. Hope for miracles. In this season of life I’m learning hope means so much more than what I’ve always thought it meant. You see, I’ve always hoped to have my circumstances turn out a certain way in each of these situations but in this season of life I’m learning that hope isn’t found in these outcomes.
Listening to a podcast back in April and this stuck out to me. God knew I needed to hear it on that morning! I remember when we had the conversation to start a family like it was yesterday but as I sit here and write this I realize it was almost one year ago to the day. We decided to start trying on October 1st. Fast forward to this morning in the car and we were already 6 months into this journey, I had my yearly checkup that very next week and something told me we had a long road ahead of us but it was that specific morning God shifted my thoughts and where my hope comes from.
“My hope does not belong in the outcome that I desire, my hope comes from the Creator.” My hope has a name and its name is Jesus. I continued about my day and on that very same afternoon as I was reading Lysa Terkeurst’s book, “It’s Not Supposed to Be This Way”; there it was again, Hope. She defined hope as not being tied to whether or not a circumstance changes; it’s tied to the unchanging promise of God. I hope for the good God will ultimately bring from this, whether the good turns out to match my desires or not. So in this season I will continue to have hope but where my hope comes from has completely changed in the best way.
I wrote this in my “notes” section of my phone in April of 2019. Hoping one day I would be able to share my thoughts and that other women could relate. Little did I know God would have me here 5 months later actually being able to let people in on how He is moving in my life. We are now a little over a year in, and I have a lot to update on so stay tuned for my next post. Until then, remember no matter what season of life you are in, I am just like you, hurting….yes, but still hoping!
FAST FORWARD ⏩ This blog post above was written almost 2 years ago. It’s been 1026 days since we started this journey. Male infertility, timed intercourse, 3 IUIs, more tests and bloodwork and ultrasounds then I can count and given that diagnosis of ‘unexplained infertility’ and here we are. Lots of prayer, lots of tears but even more growth. Faced with the “next steps” follow up with our Dr. last April. Almost 5 months we have spent in prayer about our next steps. IVF, Embryo Adoption or Domestic Adoption or doing a fourth IUI. I never would’ve imagined I would still be in this very long season two years after I wrote that first post on my phone. On the other hand I never could’ve imagined I would be leading a faith based infertility support group with 8 other women who have become like my sisters. I never could’ve imagined God would still be writing our story but by Him continuing to write our story, my faith and testimony has continued to grow. As we enter into year 3 of this journey that feels like it takes you into the depths of the sea, God reminds me it’s going to be okay by yet again revealing his glory in leading us to our next decision. I’m excited to share with y’all very soon what our next step is! Where God guides, He provides. 💕