Loss after Infertility
My name is Latisha Barnes and I’m on a mission to give people hope and encouragement through ttc, miscarriage and infertility. I always wanted kids, one boy and one girl was my dream and my deepest heart’s desire, nothing in my wildest imagination would make me think differently. When my son was three we decided to grow our family we thought it would be a good idea to start trying to have another child not even thinking that there would be any issues. It was going to be a piece of cake (so I thought).
After a year of trying, we started going through treatments.
Because of insurance benefits we were able to try low cost methods. I only shared this with my closest friends but not my church family. I was too embarrassed about not being able to conceive and getting anxious that any day I would get pregnant on my own. Living on a military base was so hard because women were constantly getting pregnant, jealousy set in, and I believe this is where my true relationship with God began.
I grew tired of everyone asking “when are you guys gonna have another baby.”
So much so I hashtagged my text messages with #noImnotpregnantyet. Waiting, trying, and feeling the pressure to conceive made the process even worse and challenging. I remember my infertility doctor saying there is a five percent chance that you will ever have kids on your own. I didn’t want to be judged and the devout christian who didn’t have enough faith to move the mountain of infertility. I was constantly praying, fasting and believing, but as each month passed I got nothing but those two negative test lines. And of course when you come from a family of fertile myrtles how can you explain that your pipes are busted and your womb is closed. Who would understand? How can I explain such a thing? I first had to determine what the problem was, no reality neither one of us wanted to face. Is it me I thought? Or was it him? Tests such as the HSG had determined that I had one blocked tube. The exam was a little painful, God knows I hated the catheter inserted into my vagina all I could think of was how bad I wanted this baby. Later I would discover that both my tubes were blocked.
God knows the fertility tea, fertility cleanse, fertility diet, raising my butt up after sex with a pillow, watching cervical mucus, tracking ovulation, fertility vitamins, greens diet and even herbal tampons was a waste of money. When you’re infertile all you can think about is how badly you want to be pregnant no matter the cost. I was desperate to have another child, fearful of my son not having any siblings and the inadequacies of not feeling like a woman was overwhelming. I mean really I was up late one night and was watching one of those televised preachers and sent off for a miracle water. I was just desperate. I was constantly praying, fasting and believing, but as each month passed I got nothing but those two negative test lines. After about four years of trying to get pregnant, we were considered severely infertile and began IVF treatments.
Being infertile was so embarrassing and most of the time I suffered in silence and in shame.
Women who don’t have fertility issues have no idea of the desperation of wanting a child. It is a feeling of being thirsty in a desert and the only thing you want is shade and water. More than anything if it looks like it resembles water, you will do anything to get that drink. One egg implanted and I was the happiest woman on the earth. I still had to take treatments for the first couple of weeks to ensure the embryo stayed snug. Each week I had an appointment to make sure things were on target. But at my twelve-week appointment with my son sitting by my side, there was no heartbeat. At that very moment I yelled out a NO, and began crying hysterically so much that it made my son upset. I had to do a D&C, I remember crying all day and night as the sack passed, I was by myself, I didn’t want anyone around. I did not want to let that baby go, it was a part of me for a short period of time. This was just the beginning of losses that didn’t make sense and that I couldn’t understand. As my first marriage ended I also let go of the idea of ever being able to ever have kids again.
Fast-forward to 2012, not even trying, I conceived naturally with two blocked tubes.
It was a miracle!!
This is IVF – sometimes letting go opens the door to impossibilities