Our journey to parenthood started very much like everyone else’s…
We got married and decided we were ready to have kids. Easy right? Well, we learned quickly that sometimes life just doesn’t work out the way you had planned.
After a year of trying with no success at age 33, we decided to get checked, all my tests came back within the ‘normal’ range but my husband had very low morphology and borderline motility. Our RE gave us a 1% chance of conceiving naturally. Hearing that news broke me to my core… for the first time.
What followed was a year of failed cycles. 3 medicated timed intercourse cycles and 5 IUI’s. Every month the nurse would call and give me the old “I’m so sorry Beth, but your pregnancy test was negative” chat. It felt like my heart was breaking a little more each month that we failed to conceive, all while watching my friends and siblings have their bundles of joy.
In December 2014 we were given the go ahead for IVF.
It was terrifying and exhilarating in the same breath. We transferred a perfect day 5 embryo on new years day and couldn’t even believe when we saw those two pink lines. It was finally our time and no one could bring me down from cloud nine. We heard that beautiful heartbeat, graduated from our clinic and tapped ultrasound pics to our fridge. At 9 weeks and 5 days our little Dot (named as an embryo) stopped growing and her heart stopped. Losing the child we had worked so hard for was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. There are not words to describe the pain and guilt and sadness. But life is ever moving and so we grieved and decided to try again.
In June of 2015 we transferred our last embryo, named ‘Fleck”. When the test showed those two pink lines again I was absolutely terrified. We didn’t even tell our families until we hit 13 weeks and the rest of our friends until 17 weeks. I felt it was necessary to guard our hearts “just in case”. But thank goodness that Fleck stuck around and she is now an energetic, full of life 5 year old rainbow baby.
When she turned 2 we decided to give it another go for a sibling. We did all our tests again and our diagnosis hadn’t changed so IVF again! We learned fast that a change in jobs had lost us our infertility insurance coverage. Unable to afford the out of pocket costs of IVF we tried naturally for 3 years with no success. In December of 2020 we learned about CNY Fertility and their low costs made it a possibility for us. In March of 2021 we did a full cycle and got 4 good eggs that fertilized. We transferred 2 fresh and they didn’t stick. We then did a frozen cycle and transferred the last 2, which unfortunately also did not stick. With no real explanation why, it was assumed that my “old” eggs are to blame, so with lots of soul searching we decided to go with donor eggs. We are currently matched with a donor and waiting for her to start her cycle. We are hopeful, but guarded because their are no guarantees with IVF, only a chance.
Infertility robbed me of so many things, and sometimes I get angry that we have to make babies this way.. but I am also grateful to science for allowing me this opportunity at a chance that we otherwise wouldn’t have. It is also a very isolating and lonely place to be, so if you are reading this and are feeling overwhelmed, alone or isolated. Know that I am here for you and this community of Infertility Warriors are the best members of the worst club and you are never truly alone.
~Beth … infertility warrior… miscarriage survivor … IVF mom